Ms. Romantic

  For several times I have been afraid of my future, I came to a point where I needed rest, calm.  Something being unpredictable and you working hard for something unpredictable to show itself it's something not all people can do.  It not a matter of work.  It's a matter of patience and your self control.

  As all people do, when I came to think more of myself and what I was doing, I wondered what was the purpose of my life.  And later I figured out this was also unpredictable.  When people say their purpose of life, they have an aim (which is clearly different from a purpose) just taking its place instead in order for you to keep going.  Me, one year of considering and I made up my pseudo-purpose for my life.  But I broke up my life into pieces so that an aim too big would not confuse me, like looking down from space and deciding which city I should visit.  So I narrowed it down and came to a word 'peace'.  I wanted to gain peace and do something I loved and be with people whom I loved.  But then, I knew this will not happen unless I do the opposite.  And then, I felt myself wet in face.

  I didn't understand the way I had to live in my future, only partly.  I had to work with people whom I dislike and reluntant and then my peace was going to break into pieces.  My heart beated fast and my forhead burned.

  'It was grateful that I liked to study.  But not in a way to earn money.  I learned to gain peace for my self and for whom I love.  So it could be less stressful if I had that part of me.'  And I started to list all the possibilities, even the tiny pieces and made myself believe that it was not going to be like what I think.  I tried to blow away my fear and bring in confidence.

  Now I believe doing what I don't like could be a way to find what I really like and want to do.  Working with people who I dislike could make my love towards the people who I love stronger.  In ICT class, Ms Price asked us, "Is the unused resources less important than the used resources?" and someone answered yes.  To myself, I answered no.  "Well, it is no.  Unused ones are as important as the used ones and I'll tell you guys why.  You know that the used sources are useful to you because you've seen the unuseful ones.  If there hadn't been any unused resources, you wouldn't have been able to recognize the ones you've used."  And that made sense.  And my fear towards my future flew away although there are still bits and pieces left over but I felt like a huge rock being removed from my mind.

  Tears aren't useless.  They are just droples of water, yes, but I don't want to use the word just in there.  Sometimes tears clear out your mind from dirty scratches and wounds you have inside you.  They clean them and throw them out with a cry.  And after you've cried, you feel something that is undescribable.  You feel loose and heavy.  But also, empty.

  I might cry and I might have to show tears.  But if that is the only way to achieve my purpose of life, I will do it and I should not be giving up for it.  And that is because I believe in me and I know I am the only one that knows me well enough to support myself with real.